Without going into a great story of my life, a little background is needed. I am an incest survivor. I had five abusers as a child including my dad. I believe that child abuse is the most horrible thing that can happen to a child because it costs the child in self-esteem, hurt, anger, future relationships, jobs ... all facets of the child's life is harmed by this terrible ordeal. It often takes many, many years before the victim even acknowledges what happened to them and begins a recovery process. I had one prayer as a child and that prayer lasted for over 40 years: Each night as a child I would pray to God to die ... later I would say "God, please take me home, I want to come home." As I prayed this prayer I cried silently ... because if my dad heard me, he would come and harm me again. So mostly I learned to cry silently.

My original recovery process began ten years ago at the age of 35 when I first admitted to a dear and trusted friend that I was an incest survivor. After that time I was thrust into many areas of depression and mood swings. At one point I was hospitalized in the sexual trauma unit. I worked very hard to stay alive each moment of each day but wanted desperately to die. I had the support of a friend and her family, but otherwise I did this alone. I went to a therapist ... I went to a psychiatrist took medicine for the depression and after seven years, I thought I had climbed the mountain and was free from the pain.

But, survivors can be very draining people. We are so hateful of ourselves that we cannot even feel another human's good touch. We feel dirty, cheap and worst of all worthless. My dad is dead so I was unable to confront him except in letters. My mom, with whom I had always loved and believed loved me, upon hearing that dad abused me, and treated me as if I were dead for more than two years. Later in therapy and a process of retrieving memories, I discovered that my mom had to know about the abuse and did nothing. A very painful thing for a child to discover. My world felt as if it crashed around me. BUT, I believed I was doing better.

Then on December 27, 1998 in a time of complete desperation and wanting my own pain to stop I took several hundred pills of various types. (In fact, a whole bowl full!) Interestingly, I had always thought of myself as a Christian. I had been baptized as a child, had been immersed as an adult and had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. BUT, I talked the talk ... I just didn't WALK the talk! BIG DIFFERENCE. That night, before this happened, I kneeled and prayed to God for someone, something to intervene and help me. I prayed for His forgiveness for what I was doing and prayed that he would comfort anyone who cared so that they knew they were not responsible for my actions. I never wanted to hurt anyone else or cause them pain ... I merely wanted out of my own pain.

I wasn't scheduled to go to work the next day and I did this around 6:00 PM, so without calling anyone, or expecting anyone to call me, I took the pills and lay down. I remember feeling very, very hot and thinking to myself "So this is death ... it's hot." Then everything went blank. There was no light from God (as I had hoped) no nothing just blank dark and sleep.

I didn't know, but work had called and a special meeting was called. When I didn't show up, after a number of hours a worker called a friend who had a key to my house and with the Police they entered and found me unconscious. I had a fever of 104 degrees and was in very critical condition. I was in the intensive care unit for three days wavering between life and death. I was intubated and allowed no visitors. I remember nothing of this time.

Then I awoke on Friday and because I had no insurance and no where to go, I was sent to the psychiatric ward for the next 24 hours. Psych wards and mental illness assistance in this country is in serious trouble and mostly a joke. Not only is it expensive you are expected to be "well" in a matter of a few days or you are let go anyway. But THAT is another testimony!

After I got out of the hospital (24 hours later) I was still very depressed. I was placed on an involuntary leave of absence without pay from work and was facing medical bills of over $21,000! (Boy, if I wasn't depressed BEFORE ... ((((((smile)))))! )

Anyway, I knew that I had to do something. I was desperate. I would either take a gun I had and kill myself (again) or seek pastoral help. I prayed, I cried, I prayed and cried some more. I was lead to several things. First, I found 2Jesus on the Internet and went for prayer request. I knew I needed the support of other Christians because I was so weak and downtrodden. I read everything in the newsletters and what Ferd has on his web site. I began to find comfort in the words and knew that I needed more. Something here, with me ... within me. I sought out and was directed to a Pastor here in St. Louis who told me what Ferd had said to me when he responded to my call for help. "God loves you ... He forgives you and not only does He forgive you ... He's forgotten it!!" Pastor Smith also told me one other thing: "Julia, I want you to realize that IF you had been the only person on this earth ... God loves you so much that He STILL would have sent His only son just for you!" Those things were so powerful within me that I began a transformation from what I was to what I am now.

I knew the Bible talked about throwing off the old and putting on the new and becoming new ... I just never understood it. Now, not only was I graced with an understanding of the new ... I WAS IT!!

Since that time, I have felt the prayers from each of you. Ferd and his lovely wife have stood with me in prayer and Christ's love. I am growing each and every day and becoming stronger in the Word, God's love and myself. I have since hugged people and I FEEL their good touch. I love others sincerely and I have absolutely NO DOUBT that God loves me and Has a mighty plan for me!

I have been to the depths of dispair ... to the brink of death and God has brought me back. My life is His now ... completely and totally forever. 2Jesus was a major help to me in this whole ordeal and I thank my Father in heaven for Ferd, his wife and the beautiful ministry that helped bring me home to the Lord.

You see, God answered the prayer that I had as a child and through my adult life ... He HAS brought me home and I am at peace! Praise the Lord. Thank you all for your prayers and I ask that you continue to remember me so that my walk becomes stronger and that I LISTEN to what God wants me to do with my life. May God give each of you the blessings that you deserve and may each of you know HIS love and mercy. Amen

This is very special bible verse to me. When you are having difficulties and doubts, etc ... I like ...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." - Proverbs 3:5,6